stretched and torn

you know that feeling you get when you first wake up and you raise your arms high in the air and you go on up on your tip toes and you stretch loooong and hard so hard that a loud burst comes out of you that you couldn't control?? well, imagine waking up stretching like that then not being able to relax from it. that's exactly how i'm feeling now. i'm stuck on my tip toes with my arms high in the air. i can't get out of the very uncomfortable position.

living in arizona was....awesome!! i LOVED it!! i LOVE all my friends there! i LOVE my church there! i LOVE the memories i have there! and i LOVE the weather there!! i couldn't have asked for a better place to be!!....then God decided to turn my "awesome life" completely upside down and inside out. i moved.

now, i don't have anyone i click with....yet. i don't have a secure place to call home....yet. i don't have any memories that i absolutely love....yet. and i don't feel together.....yet. i feel stretched waaaay out. we're talking across the country way out!!...and somewhere between AZ and here i'm torn. im torn deep. not torn right in half! but torn deep non the less.

my parents love it here!....and i'm sure.....in time....that i will grow to be quite fond of this place too!! :) but every time they "compare & contrast" between life here and our life in AZ...my stretched out body gets torn a little deeper. why? i don't know. its not like they're pointing out certain people in AZ. its not like they're talking smack down on AZ. thats not it AT ALL. they LOVED it there too! its just....i'm not quite sure how to word it...they're just pointing certain things out that they really like about here and sharing it with me. now, please don't get me wrong and think that i don't like to listen to peoples thoughts and ideas...because i LOVE hearing them!!...i guess it just really hurts me inside because i know they're right. and i just don't want to admit it.

you know how your close friends "i love you"?? i LOVE that! :) but there are only SOME that really truly DO! i had a lot of close friends who said that to me. and still do. and i LOVE them!! but i gotta stop and think back....they only said that whenever i did something nice for them or they were really happy. is that good? i know its not bad. but is that a real friend???

this morning my mom told me to hang in there and that i'll meet and make some really close, really deep friends! what does "deep" mean?? because i can make a list of "deep" moments i've had with friends in AZ. i don't know. i guess i'm just super confused about the definition she has in her head of "deep"

i guess what i'm really trying to say is....as i've been thinking about my friends, relations, and memories i had in AZ it hit me that i THINK i miss them physically. i can't really recall off the top of my head why or how i can miss them spiritually or relationally. i don't think i've really truly had one deep, faith-filled, spiritual moment with any of my "close" friends. this pains me to admit this. :( but i can't. is that a bad thing?

i think....well...i know! my parents are right. (they usually always are) but i really truly think that my relationships here are going to be a little more deeper and much more faith-filled!! i can feel it!! :)

<3 its a sandy up hill struggle <3